Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
