Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
