you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
