she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
