Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
