you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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