I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
