i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
