Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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