I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
