you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Randomize
