when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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