He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
