Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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