Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
