he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
