If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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