im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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