This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
