so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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