i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Green mimosas i think yes
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize