in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
