I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
