laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
