Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
