am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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