Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
