Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
