he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
