Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
