I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
