I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
