The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
