um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
