The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
