he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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