I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i believe in u and ur pee
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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