It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I could make wine with my vomit
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
