I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
