Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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