It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
