The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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