i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
