Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
