he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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