They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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