the condom got lost in my hair
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
