So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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