this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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