i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
