hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
