what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
