My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
