I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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