My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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