Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize