Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
