It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
